.....

Henry was back in the doctor's office waiting to see the doctor for the second time in one week. He had seen the doctor a few days earlier because he was feeling strange, not sick, but weird. The doctor told Henry that he was completely healthy and that made Henry angry. He wasn't healthy, he didn't feel healthy, he felt weird.
"When was the last time you felt fine?"
Henry thought about this question before answering," When I was confessing something to someone."
"Well, why don't you try doing that again and see if you better."
"I already thought of that and it didn't work. I still feel strange."

"Ok, I think I have the solution. A new pill has helped people in your situation."

The doctor prescribed a pill that would help Henry, and told Henry to take them at his discretion. There was no overdosing on this pill, you could take as many necessary to cure the strange feeling. Henry asked what kind of pills they were and the doctor replied, "amendment pills."
"They have pills for that?"
"They have pills for everything."
That day Henry took half the bottle of pills prescribed. The strange feeling would leave, but it was replaced with a feeling of remorse and he didn't understand why. He couldn't think of anything in which he should be remorseful and this made the strange feeling he had been trying to get ride of intensify.

"Doctor what are these feeling of remorse and disdain in the pit of my stomach?"
"These are the side effects from taking the pills."
"Well, what can be done?"
"I can prescribe another pill, but this pill is considered unecessary by the insurance companies and therefore will not be covered under your insurance. It is quite expensive and advise you to find the true cause of this feeling, this way there is permanant solution."
"I need that pill then. Nevermind a permanent solution, the present is all that matters and at the present I cannot function."
"Henry, this is only a temporary solution."
"Good because life is only temporary."
"Like any overused medicine, they start to become ineffective."
"Until that day comes, I'm happy being a pill popper."

......

God knows I was more than a little apprehensive to go through her things. She’s been dead for one week and two months now, but sifting though her house, her bedroom, her bathroom, her kitchen all felt like major violations of her privacy; moreover, going through her bedroom felt like I was engaging in some sort of criminal act.

Growing up I was taught to never enter my parents’ bedroom without permission. I can remember being six or seven and hesitantly entering their room. As I passed by their doorway, I was captivated by a single sparkling earring lying on the floor at the foot of their bed. I hadn’t even picked up the earring before I heard her voice behind my back. Upon hearing her voice, I stopped; her voice had a paralyzing effect. “What are you doing in here?” she questioned, she didn’t ask, asking would imply a curiosity in her tone. Her tone was as far away from curious as it could get, it was interrogative, but implied guilt. I immediately explained myself pointing at the lonely earring on the floor. “Did you have permission?” she fired. From then on, I never went into their room.

Going through her bedroom was nostalgic in a very uncomfortable way. It felt like more of a transgression than a task that needed to be done. The control parents possess even beyond the grave is quite perplexing, as well as depressing since the lack of their physical presence seems to be used to support their infallibility. Not once did I enter their room, it was the only room in the house that was utterly unfamiliar to me. I never analyzed why I was never allowed to go in their bedroom, it was as if it was an eleventh commandment, never to be disobeyed. The bed was still in the same spot it had been 18 years ago. It’s strange, in retrospect my dad didn’t really seem to care if I went into their bedroom, it was always my mom acting as a fireman, and making sure I stayed 200 feet back. Looking around their bedroom, I don’t really understand why this rule was so important; I didn’t detect any breakables or things that were not “kid friendly.” Today I made it halfway through their bedroom. I thought I would only have to go through my mom’s belongings, but it appears that she didn’t throw any of my dad’s things out when he passed away two years ago. His stuff appeared untouched, almost like a shrine out of respect for him. The only interesting thing I found were some old photos of them looking constipated in the front entry way of a small house, but I guess that constipated face was the norm back then when posing for photos. I’m anxious for what I’ll find tomorrow.

Is creativity limitless?

i feel like i used to be super creative when i was younger and i'm scared that it has waned and left this empty shell of a person that is creativeless. everyone can create, correct? being in a work environment drains me of any creative juices that come naturally. placing a creative person in a business/office environment is extremely toxic, it's toxic for the soul, it demands energy on tasks that don't stimulate any part of your being. the only natrual defense is to become a machine, processing things without thinking, respond without listening, hit send without proofreading. this way you can turn yourself off, as if in hibernate mode. the only danger is not being able to turn back on. i know i'm a creative person, but i'm beginning to question whether my creativity has plateaud. i blame it on my work environment, perhaps away from my work environment i would be more creative becuase i would have more opportunities to be creative. i know who i am. i've always known who i am. there was no period of wondering or wandering. even more, i accept and like the person i am. of course i have flaws, but i'm working on them. i'm confident without being conceited because everyone know that the two are different and one is more attractive then the other. i want to write, i want to create, i want to connect to people through stories. i know i have a long road ahead, there is so much that needs to be learned, and this is absolutely daunting, however what is more is if i were to stay at my job and have it turn into a career i never wanted, but have always had. i'm intelligent, i have people skills, i'm likeable, i'm attractive (this is always subjective), and i know i would be successful at whatever i choose to do, but a career in creativity is much more challenging and this intimidates me. there is always going to be someone more likeable, more creative, more attractive , more intelligent, and so on, but this should only encourage me to work harder. right now i need the guidance of a higher power to confirm my decision to change my situation and take a risk. the only thing is, i've never been a good hearer, i think i'm a wonderful listener, but hearing is completely different. i need to be centered, i need to be focused. i think i've always walked confidently thorughout life, even as a child becuase i knew something great was meant for me. that sound totally narcissistic, even to me, but tomorrow i'm going to start hearing something more than the sound of the distinct silence.

Sometimes

Sometimes I’m not sure what I should think. Sometimes I’m not sure what I should want. Sometimes I’m not sure what I should want to want. Sometimes I’m not sure if I have the courage to want more, and sometimes I question if I have the right to want more. Sometimes I question whether I have is what I want or if what I have is something I have been taught I should want. Sometimes I think that the only way to find what I truly want is to rule out all the things I know I do not want. Sometimes I think people confuse being complacent with being content. Sometimes I think people confuse being satisfied with being content. Sometime I think I know the difference between these and sometimes I don’t think I know the difference at all.

Thankful

Four years go by so fast. I never realized how fast a year comes and goes, but when you put a year in the context of acquiring higher education, years become marked by huge pillars. Today, four solid pillars stand behind me, and I have no idea of what lies ahead. I don't know why I feel so unaccomplished when I have worked for four years to accomplish what I now possess, a degree. Sometimes I wonder if I want too much out of life, out of myself, out of others, but I can't help but to have high expectations for everything, for everyone. I feel selfish for wanting more when I already have so much. I can't rationalize why I have so much, and this bothers me. Do I really deserve all that I have? I'm a good person, don't get me wrong, but I feel excessively blessed. Has anyone ever felt this way, suspicious of your blessings? I feel set up for heart ache, for disappoint, for desolation, and then I feel guilty for thinking this way. Is my circular way of thinking my attempt to try and outsmart God, as if I could anticipate and play him before he plays me? The truth is that I have never been in need of anything because I have everything. I have everything that money can buy ( okay, so maybe I don't have the gucci purse or the prada shoes, but I'm surrounded by nice things), more importantly, however, I have everything money CAN'T buy. I have wonderful parents, and by wonderful I mean absoultely A-mazing. Oh, and I have a cute, little 86 year old grandma who wants to cook me everything imaginable and I adore her. My friends are truly unique individuals that I would not be able to survive without and the list of blessings continue. I guess all I can do is try to bless others with the blessings I've been given.